I don’t know what preconceived views and definitions of “authenticity” you’re coming in with, but my hope is that this post will give you a better understanding of what a healthy authenticity is and what it is not.
Merriam-Webster defines authenticity as “not false or imitation; real.”
In this series, The Real You, I’ve been defining authenticity by breaking it up into 4 posts.
What is Authenticity? It is…
- Knowing who you are
- Matching Your Priorities to Your Principles
- Not trying to be someone else
- Perhaps not everything you thought it was (7 Misconceptions about Authenticity)
In the first post we discussed the importance of knowing yourself and how it can help you grow yourself. In the second post we discussed becoming more aware of how we spend our time and money because it shows where our true priorities lie. Then in the third post we talked about how important YOU are and the difference between wanting to BE someone else and wanting to be LIKE someone else. In this post I want to debunk some common misconceptions people believe today about “authenticity.”
1. Authenticity is for JERKS!
I’m starting with this one because it is one of the misconceptions that gets me the most worked up! If you know me, then you wouldn’t be surprised at the crazy number of times I’ve been asked “Do you even get mad?” But the following abused phrases get me SO mad! Furious, even! Know what they are?
“I’m just being honest; I’m an honest person.”
and this one
“That’s just who I am.”
You’ve heard it before. A woman just finishes verbally bashing another woman behind her back and then finishes with “I’m just being honest…I’m just a blunt person; you know that.”
Or that person who is always mean or insulting or unreliable and they try to excuse it as a personality trait.
Well guess what. IT’S NOT! It’s not a personality trait; it’s a character FLAW.
Being authentic means acknowledging strengths and weaknesses. Being authentic is NOT using it to excuse your awful CHOICES. Because that’s what it is: a choice. *gasp!* You DO have a choice whether you hide behind false beliefs of “authenticity” so you don’t ever have to take the harder and higher road and make any changes or not.
Don’t use “authenticity” as a poor excuse to just do whatever the heck you want with no consequences. “Authenticity” is not a “get out of jail free” card.
2. Authenticity means you’re the same forever.
Though there are some basic personality traits that will remain the same throughout your whole life, so much of who you are is constantly growing and changing. You’re either slipping into bad habits or moving forward in personal growth. There is no “staying the same.” And a healthy authenticity is one that doesn’t just know who they are and what they could be, but also applies it.
Many use phrases like “it’s just who I am” to excuse themselves from personal growth. Because growth usually involves work and sometimes even getting out of your comfort zone. But whether it’s a mere excuse or a firm belief, the truth is that you can be authentic AND grow into a better you.
3. Authenticity is for lazy Millenials.
“Authenticity” has become a buzzword most associated with Millenials. Thought to be a defining desire from this generation because they’re tired of people being fake. They’re tired of being sold to without a true human connection.
Millenials have also been stereotyped as selfish, shallow, and lazy. With that kind of stereotype, “authenticity” can get a bad connotation and associated with phrases like I mentioned before: “That’s just who I am. You should accept that this is who I am.”
But you can’t throw out “authenticity” just because a few people from one generation abused it. If authenticity is being real then, once again, that means we should be honest about our flaws but it doesn’t excuse our flaws.
Being lazy is not who you are. Being selfish is not who you are. Being arrogant is not who you are. There may be some natural tendencies, but “who you are” has a more permanence. Character does not.
Are you starting to understand the difference?
I can’t speak for all millenials, but I and many others I know (hopefully!) don’t fall into the “selfish, shallow, and lazy” extreme stereotype, but we do, however, value authenticity. And I mean a pure and healthy authenticity. One that is all the things I talked about in the other posts of this series.
4. There is no fear in authenticity.
I don’t know about you, but I often associate authenticity with confidence. Authentic people are those who boldly know who they are or the ones with that silent strength about them. Though knowing who you are is powerful and it can lead to greater confidence, it also comes with vulnerability. And vulnerability often comes with fear.
If authenticity grows with knowing who you are, that means a growing understanding of your strengths AND your weaknesses. It can be scary to accept our weaknesses. Our first human reaction is to do anything we can to hide our weaknesses, even at the cost of our core values or at the expense of someone else. But oftentimes, the person we want to be is just on the other side of fear. So do not fear the fear. Chase it. Persevere through it. Dare to be vulnerable and honest with yourself.
5. If someone shows 2 contrasting personality traits, that means they’re not authentic.
This may be true for someone who is trying hard to be someone they’re not, but it’s not true for everyone all the time.
For example, my personality type — the INFJ — is known for being a walking paradox because of how many seemingly contrasting personality traits we have. One of the “paradoxes” is that I feel energized by deep conversations with people and can seem uber outgoing at times, often mistaken as an extrovert. However, if I’m with people for too long, I become tired and need to recharge alone. Here’s a post explaining some of the INFJ paradoxes, if you’re curious.
Does that mean I’m not authentic? No! I sure hope not!
I try my best to be actively engaged with other people to help them feel important and listened to, but if I’ve overexerted myself I can come off a little more rigid or just dazed and confused. That’s how my brain is wired.
This can also be true for someone who is trying to develop skills in an area in which they are naturally weak. It may seem contradicting, but we should encouraged them on in their seeking of growth.
6. Authenticity means being the exact same person in every setting.
You can still be genuinely you while also adjusting to appropriately match the setting you’re in. For instance, someone with a bubbly personality may tame it down at a funeral. A generally talkative person may stay quiet to kindly let someone else have a chance to speak. A person may act more silly and outgoing to help get conversation going in an awkward group. We can be sensitive to the situation and the people around us while also remaining true to who we are.
7. Everyone wants to and is ready to be authentic.
We’re all in different steps of our unique personal growth journeys. Some just aren’t quite ready to make changes or dive deep into who they are. We must respect that. You cannot force someone else to be authentic. You can’t even really force you own authenticity. At least not instantly. It is born from a growing understanding and acceptance of who you are. You can take action to become more authentic, but you cannot force it without doing the work.
Some are not yet ready to do the work. I talk about some of the reasons why in my free eBook, The Real You: The Ultimate Guide to Knowing Yourself and Developing Authenticity, which you can grab by using the form below.
I hope this post has helped you gain a clearer understanding of what a healthy authenticity is and what it is not.
Leave a Reply