How Doctor Who Helped Me Conquer Social Anxiety

In this guest post Misa Buckley of Stars and Sprinkles shares her story of how Doctor Who helped her to conquer social anxiety.

The Empty Child

I grew up on a steady diet of Doctor Who and Star Trek; a child so fascinated by the stars I could name the minor constellations and recite the names of Apollo astronauts. This existence was fine until I turned 11 and moved up to secondary school.

Suddenly, my disinterest in fashion and make-up became an issue and I was picked on mercilessly. It didn’t help that I fitted the stereotype of geek: thick glasses, unstylish clothes, and bad acne. I loathed break times, with lunch being the worst. I did anything to avoid going out. I’d dawdle on my work so the teacher would make me stay in to finish, or help clean the biology lab after class. Then I learned the library was looking for assistants. I signed up and every lunch hour would find me sorting out books far away from those that wouldn’t be caught dead in such a place.

After school came college. It was marginally better as I had a small circle of friends, but the snide comments continued. A guy in my youth group tried desperately to reach out but I was already retreating. I went less and less, citing college work. Again, I found anything to do when classes were over, rather than go outside.

Yet somehow I did end up with a boyfriend. Eventually we got married. I had kids, and every excuse to stay indoors and not socialise. I didn’t know my neighbours. I’d take the kids to the library and – later – to school, but I wouldn’t talk to people. Crowded places started giving me anxiety. If anyone laughed, I immediately believed it was at me and I’d make a beeline for home.

 

The Almost People

In 1998 (iirc), we got our first computer. This was back in the days of dial up and not being able to use the internet and a landline at the same time. The youth of today does not know how good they have it. I was into Stargate SG1 at the time and found an MSN Group which did role play via chat. For the first time, I found people who shared my interests instead of belittling them. It was a heady experience.

I also found fanfic and a creative outlet that let me be myself rather than Just Mum. For the record, my fanfiction dot net account still exists. No, I’m not giving you the username.

My circle of friends continued to expand, albeit via the glorious anonymity of the internet. Despite the fact I’d not met any of them, I did consider them friends. We chatted about all sorts of things, wished each other happy birthday and Christmas, exchanged our hopes at new year.

Several in my “real” life expressed concern that these relationships weren’t real. That if you met People Off The Internet, you ended up dead in a ditch. I ignored such warnings and carried on playing, at least until my duties as a mum took more time.

 

Bad Wolf

No one was happier to have Doctor Who back than me. Christopher Eccleston was the Doctor from the moment he grabbed Rose’s hand and said “Run.” I loved every second. Yes, even the farting aliens. I can’t remember if I found Livejournal just before or just after, but there was a Who community and we all loved the show.

As the first season came to a close, an idea was floated in the comm to have a meet up. The Doctor Who Experience was at Blackpool and everyone thought we ought to go. I was less convinced. Sure these people were friends online, but that was on the other side of a screen where they couldn’t see me. What happened when they met me for real?

I spoke to my husband about it. He thought it sounded fun. He also pointed out that Blackpool was only an hour away and that if they all turned out to be murdering psychopaths, we could just come home. So we packed the kids in the car and headed out.

Spoiler alert: they were not murdering psychopaths. In fact, there were several like me; geeks who’d be shunned and bullied, and who were happy to find a group of people they could relate to. We visited the Expo. One of them deafened me by squealing when she saw the original Davros. Then we retired to the beach, ate fish and chips, and wrote “BAD WOLF” in very large letters in the sand. What can I say – we were geeks.

After Blackpool we made plans for another trip, this time to Cardiff, where Who was filmed. We toured the city, spotting filming locations, then retired to the hostel where we made plastic figures do rude things. (We were slightly drunk by this point. Also pervs.)

 

World Enough and Time

Many of the friends I made through Doctor Who were sci fi geeks and into other shows. When Stargate Atlantis aired, we were all aboard, chatting about the characters and writing fanfic. It came to our attention that there was going to be a convention. In London.

Again, I balked. Meeting up with a small group of people was one thing – traveling down the country to meet actors amongst a large group of fans I didn’t know? The idea terrified me. Yet we were going as a small group. We could stick together. I could do that, couldn’t I?

Turned out, I could. Okay, I made a total prat of myself in front of David Hewlett, but I survived. I actually had a really good time. Enough that, when the opportunity to go to L.A. came up, I grabbed it with both hands. I was due to attend the next Atlantis con, but I fell just before and had to pull out.

Still, the anxiety I used to feel in the company of people I didn’t know had lessened. I’ve done two sci fi conventions and several literary ones since. Heck, I’ve sat on a writing panel with Adrian and Adam Christopher. I even answered a couple of questions from the audience.

I do still get anxious, but it’s manageable. I know I can step outside the venue, or retire to my room, and catch my breath. Recharge and recuperate. Things I’d never have learned to do had I not gotten in a car and gone to Blackpool. Had I not met a group of similar-minded people who welcomed me with open arms. With whom some I am still very good friends.

Social anxiety is a bitch. Some will have it worse than me, and I am not about to say fandom is a cure-all. Of course it isn’t. It helped me to meet with people I had a lot in common with, be that Doctor Who, Stargate Atlantis, or writing science fiction. Your mileage may vary. But I hope that if you do suffer with anxiety, you find your thing. A way to combat it. And you put that sucker down, even if you need to go lie down afterwards.