Am I Fine at 29?

“Fine.” What an odd word. We use it to note excellent quality (fine china or a fine job), for something very thin or small (fine thread or fine print), the amount you pay for a punishment (paying a fine for speeding), or this little lie we all say as an automatic response to the question, “how are you?” By definition it means “all right, well, or healthy”…but are we? Is ALL right?

For an overthinker like me who hates to lie, even with a culturally accepted and sometimes preferred dishonest response of “fine,” I often get a little anxiety when I’m casually asked this question. First there’s the wondering of: are they just saying hello, in which case the socially acceptable response is something neutral or positive? Or are they actually wanting to know how I am doing?

And if they are genuinely wanting to know how I’m doing, I’m still thrown into a state of confusion and scrambling to process and come to a conclusion. How can one describe oneself in such simple terms as “good, ok, or bad?” Many people aren’t self-aware enough to know how they truly feel or they’re repressing how they feel. But also most days and emotional landscapes are made up of both “good” and “bad” elements, as well as multiple emotions at once.

Which feeling do I focus on? Do I answer for how I feel RIGHT THIS MOMENT or the sum of my day? Or how I’ve been overall this week? And is it based on how one might describe my circumstances or how I feel?

What if someone I love had died that week but I just had my first moment of a happy distraction before they asked me. How could I say “good” even if it’s true for just that exact moment when I’ve been devastated every other moment? Or what if that week I had won an award, got to hold my newborn niece, and got a raise at work…but that particular hour before being asked everything was going wrong with a project I was working on or my depression starts to sneak up on me? Am I “fine”? Am I happy and elated over the good things that happened to me that week? Am I depressed or stressed?

But usually this incredibly deep question is asked in passing or we’re conditioned to expect it to be in passing, so I feel pressure to somehow summarize it all into one or a few words. Or perhaps I (or they!) don’t want to go into all the detail of my current multilayered state of being.

So I pick one. Usually I’m not even a “fine”-sayer. I’m usually the “good!” answerer with a bright smile and an instant parroting back of “how are you?” It’s often so automatic now before I even think about how I actually am. And if I do think before answering, there’s usually a really long pause as I try to figure out what the honest answer would be which often leads to the person commenting on my pause with an assumption that means I’m NOT fine. I could be the happiest I’ve ever been, but I’ve still gotta think about it!

I often wonder: when other people are asked, do they just instantly know how they are? Do they not have to think much about it to know their mental state and overall quality of life? Or is everyone just doing the same automatic, dishonest social dance?

Which leads me to today.

My birthday.

My 29th birthday.

If someone asked me how I am today, would I know how to answer?

If they asked how my life is going overall, would I even know?

How am I?

Well in complete honesty, this has been a really rough birthday week. I had a scary reaction to my new medication that took me from multiple nightmares to waking up to have the worst anxiety attack and episode of derealization I’ve ever had. Tears streamed down my face…then blood from my nose. As I tried to stop the bleeding I also had to focus on my breathing because I had begun to hyperventilate. My lungs were tight and it was difficult to breathe. I could tell if I didn’t calm myself down right then I might completely lose all control or pass out.

Thankfully since that awful morning it hasn’t been that bad again. But my depression and anxiety are still worse because of my body going off one helpful, familiar antidepressant while adjusting to a new one.

I do want to give one quick note though because I don’t want to scare anyone out of ever trying medication if you need it. Whenever I first got on an SSRI around 4 years ago, I lucked out and got one that worked really well for me. Like night and day. I went from terrible exhaustion, sadness, numbness, thoughts of self harm, and suicide ideation to happy crying from the overwhelming joy I felt—overwhelming because I had forgotten what true happiness even felt like.

But after 4 years I’d started having more frequent low moods and fatigue. Plus, the only side effect I had from my first medication was vivid dreams where I’d remember several from every single night. Which was fine…unless they were vivid nightmares that traumatized me and left me feeling like I hadn’t gotten enough sleep. At first it was worth it to me to have the dark cloud lessened and my happiness massively increased. But after years of it and stress causing more and more nightmares, I just can’t handle it anymore.

So that’s why my psychiatrist started the gradual process of switching me to a different but similar medication—to see if it would be more effective and stop the nightmares.

On top of already being extra depressed, anxious, and emotional as my body adjusts to the new medication, I had a conflict with a close friend, and they ghosted me despite having promised me that they’d always communicate with me rather than ghost because they knew my greatest fear is sudden abandonment.

There are other things going on too, but yeah…that’s why I’m having a really rough birthday week.

So to go back to our question: am I fine?

As someone who invalidated my own feelings and experiences for so long, putting off ever seeking help because “who am I to be depressed?” or “maybe it’s not THAT bad”, it’s so hard for me to not just say “I’m fine.”

Plus I’ve always been the kind of person who can find the positive or things to be grateful for in almost any situation. And there truly are a LOT of good things happening in my life right now. So many moments of goodness, beauty, and joy. With the help of my new psychiatrist, I’m also feeling so much more hope that things will get better. Mental illness doesn’t ever just “go away,” but sometimes there are ways to at least help it not be quite so bad.

Even after talking about my depression for several years now, it still feels so scary to write this and put it out there. But the first time I talked about my depression in a blog post it became my most viewed post, and it still gets views EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So I am once again trying to push past my fear and pride in case sharing these pieces of my story and raw, rambley thoughts might help someone out there feel less alone.

I know hearing others’ stories or even simply seeing tweets about their experiences made (and still does make!) an incredible positive difference in my life. In fact, it’s a big part of what gave me the courage to share more vulnerably myself.

So…am I fine?

I still honestly don’t know how to answer that question!

Do I have depression? Yes.

Do I have anxiety? Yes.

Do I have a broken heart? Yes.

Am I really struggling this week? Yes.

Have I cried a lot this week? Yes

Do I still doubt my self worth? Yes.

Am I still sometimes hard on myself for things I can’t control? Yes.

But did I experience moments of pure joy today? Yes.

Do I have things to look forward to in the future? Absolutely.

Do I have a new job I love? Yes.

Do I have people who love and support me? Yes.

Do I have today off to finally play some more Pokémon Violet? Yes!

I guess my main point in this little reflective stream-of-consciousness is that 1. it’s ok to feel how you feel!, 2. it’s perfectly normal and ok to feel a bunch of different feelings at once, and 3. it’s ok if you don’t know how you feel or ALL of how you feel.