“The way of the Essentialist is the relentless pursuit of less but better.” In this essential 😉 book, author Greg McKeown teaches how to focus your time and energy in the right places–not necessarily getting more things done, but getting the right things done.

I took 4 pages of notes while reading this book! So much good stuff! But I will limit this post to 3 lessons that meant the most to me and my life as I’m learning to be an essentialist.

This post originally appeared on Anna’s 1st blog, Annamotion.

1. Learn to say no.

I admit, throughout my whole life I’ve struggled with saying no to people, especially when they seem to need my help, but I’ve learned that many times my inability to say no was 1. hurting me–making me put off my own priorities and sometimes 2. hurting the other person because my saying yes kept them from learning to solve their problems on their own.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book about saying no:

• “If the answer isn’t a definite yes, then it should be a no.”
• “Yet as hard as it is to say no to someone, failing to do so can cause us to miss out on something far more important.”
• “…either we can say no and regret it for a few minutes, or we can say yes and regret it for days, weeks, months, or even years.”

And that brings us to the next point.

2. Protect the asset.

“The best asset we have for making a contribution to the world is ourselves. If we underinvest in ourselves, and by that I mean our minds, our bodies, our spirits, we damage the very tool we need to make our highest contribution.”

I used to think prioritizing self-care, especially seemingly unnecessary things such as naps, reading, and alone time was selfish. If I ever did say no to helping someone because I knew I needed more time to study for a test or if my introverted self just really needed time for solitude, rest, and reflection, I’d feel terribly guilty about it and continuously wonder if I should’ve said yes.

We should always put helping people first, right? The answer isn’t as simple as you might think. I’ve learned the answer is somewhat conditional. YES, you should always help people when you can and put them first; however, the answer is also a NO–it’s a no when you are lacking in the self-care department.

You are NO GOOD for helping others if you’re sleep deprived, worked too hard, drained of energy, or burnt out. We don’t expect a car with an empty fuel tank to get us anywhere, so why do we keep pushing ourselves past our limits and expect different results? The best thing you can do for anyone is to “protect the asset” and take care of yourself. The fuller your cup, the more you have to give to this world. An empty cup has nothing to pour unless if you are, like a child, playing pretend. Don’t waste time trying to squeeze out that last drop when there are ways to fill yourself back up to the brim.

3. There is power in routine.

Have you heard of Dr. Phil Zimbardo’s famous Stanford prison experiment? A group of Stanford students volunteered and applied to be a part of Zimbardo’s experiment. He randomly assigned them roles of either “guards” or “inmates” and then put them in a makeshift “prison.” It took only a few days for the prisoners to start suffering from extreme stress and the guards to start showing uncharacteristic amounts of cruelty. It escalated to such levels that forced them to have to shut down the experiment. In the experiment, just being treated as prisoners and guards caused them to begin genuinely acting like prisoners and guards.

In response to this experiment, McKeown ponders, “If simply being treated in a different way conditioned these Stanford students to gradually adopt these negative behaviors, could the same kind of conditioning work for more positive behaviors?”

This thought reminds me of what Dr. Chapman says in his book, The Five Love Languages. Continuously making it a point to love someone in their love language and their love tank will become full, making it much more likely for them to begin reciprocating love. Treat a person like they are loved and they’ll start acting like a person who is loved.

I think Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, would agree. He says, “To change somebody’s behavior, change the level of respect she receives by giving her a fine reputation to live up to. Act as though the trait you are trying to influence is already one of the person’s outstanding characteristics.”

Basically, it comes down to the golden rule of “treat others the way you want to be treated” and many times if you take the first action (and persevere), people just might surprise you and reciprocate. People have a funny way of living up to the reputation you set for them: come in grumpy with rude words like it’s the other person’s fault for all your problems and they’ll be more likely to respond defensively, but come in with kind words and a humble, friendly spirit and they’ll be more likely to reflect the goodness they see in you.

It is also possible to condition your own brain. “…as we repeatedly do a certain task the neurons, or nerve cells, make new connections through communication gateways called “synapses.” With repetition, the connections strengthen and it becomes easier for the brain to activate them.” That’s why routine is such a powerful tool.

It’s not just for actions, but thought patterns as well. If you continuously think as a nonessentialist, you’ll get stuck in the rut of those thought patterns, but start digging a new path in your brain, one thought-shovel at a time, and good thoughts and essentialist thoughts will become your new default. Taking that first step to prioritize your life, protecting your greatest asset, and following the disciplined pursuit of less will make each next step easier.

“We have a choice. We can use our energies to set up a system that makes execution of goodness easy, or we can resign ourselves to a system that actually makes it harder to do what is good.” Which will you choose?

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For anyone who struggles with decision making, feeling like your life is over-booked and always busy, or have a hard time saying no, this is the book for you! The lessons in this book are critical to figuring out your priorities–what matters most to you in life–and developing the discipline to make your life reflect those priorities.