This post originally appeared on Anna’s 1st blog, Annamotion.

If I keep improving, I’ll outgrow all of my good friendships. No one I care about will like me if I change. I either need to please my friends to keep them or continue my growth and have no friends.

What do you do when your friends don’t like the improvements you’ve made in your life or they don’t understand why you’re changing? Have you ever dealt with this issue of natural separation from friends when you’ve chased after your goals of personal growth?

Sabotage

Have you ever had that friend who criticizes you for your improvements?

I remember when I started taking working out more seriously in college. I had a friend who constantly put me down when she saw me working out or heard me mention it. I received comments like “you’re already skinny; why do you need to work out?” Or “I care more about spending time with my friends than exercising” when I said no to hanging out with her (even though I had spent time with her not too long ago; it wasn’t like I was terribly neglecting the friendship. She just selfishly wanted more out of me than I could healthily give).

I’ve also been criticized for trying to be a better person. If I talk about something I think I’ve messed up on, there’s often at least one friend who will completely invalidate what I’ve said by telling me it’s not a big deal; I’m already a “good person.” Perhaps she felt convicted because I felt bad over a “small thing” (in her eyes) while she’s still trying to lie to herself about much “bigger” issues in her own life.

I’ve had several friends not understand why I care so much about building my character, doing the right thing, developing a skill, or taking time to learn. So they put me down.

In counseling, we often call this “sabotage.” These are TOXIC people.

These are the kind of people who will be angry at you for growing. They try to control you and keep you at their level so they can feel better about themselves.

They are either jealous of you because they haven’t chosen to take the steps of growth yet or they want you to stay the same person they know and love (or like because they can get what they want from you).

Don’t misunderstand me. Not all of these friends are purposefully trying to sabotage you. It may just be a natural reaction out of their own hurt or simply lack of understanding. They may just miss you.

Nostalgia

A big reason it can be hard when a friend sees that you’re growing and changing has to do with nostalgia. We tend to romanticize or even idolize the “good ol’ days” and so we cling to them or lash out when there is change.

Again, I’m sure not all of your friends are purposefully trying to bring you down. It’s just a natural human emotion to feel uncomfortable with change. We all do it.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about how hard it is to accept the changes of Christmas time as children grow up and get married and have more family to work things out with.

I have wonderful memories of waking up on Christmas morning super early and jumping on the beds of my older sister and brother. When I finally convinced them to wake up, we would have a great time together until we decided it was an appropriate-enough time to go wake up my parents. I absolutely loved those times with my whole family.

But then my sister got married, started a family, and everything changed. I could have been bitter and met the changes with resistance and criticism. It was a hard first few years as I adjusted to this change because often change hurts while it is happening. But now I have so much MORE to be thankful for! I now have an amazing brother-in-law, 3 beautiful nieces, and 1 new adopted nephew coming soon from China!

I can still remember back on those old times with happiness while also being thankful for all of the good things that came from the change.

Natural Separation

When you are taking action to create lasting and authentic growth in your life, it always brings change.

And when you’re growing and changing but your friend is not, there will be a natural separation. So what do you do about that?

Action Steps

Evaluate.

Take a look at your friendships. Are any of them holding you back? Are they neutral? Do they encourage you? Do they seem like they will never grow?

Think beyond yourself. I am NOT saying to just cut off the negative friendships. Just because a friend doesn’t encourage you as much as you need does not necessarily mean it’s a friendship that needs to lessen. Are there any friends that could grow with your help and positive influence? Even if it involves some sacrifice on your part?

Lessen the toxic relationships. Unfortunately, you may have a few friends that will never change, no matter how much of a positive influence you try to be. They will always have a negative effect on you and drain you much more than you could ever help them. These are the friendships that you will naturally separate from as you continue to grow and should let yourself separate from.

That is one of the hardest things ever for me! I genuinely deeply care about everyone and my tendency is to keep pouring myself out into others even when I’m not seeing any positive change in those friends’ lives, hoping that there will eventually be fruit from my efforts. But there is a time when you must stop! I’ve learned that this kind of “friendship” brought me down, held me back, and wasted my time from being able to help many more friends who could actually benefit from my positive influence.

What relationships do you need to let yourself naturally separate from?

Seek out friendships that will GROW you.

Whether that be someone who is farther along than you in their journey of growth or someone who is mutually edifying. Seek out and start friendships with those who you know will be encouraging to you and spur you on. Surround yourself with people who will energize you as you give yourself back to them and also pour out to those friends who can be raised up by your example and help.

And guess what! Just how when you grow you naturally separate from those friends who are not growing, you will also naturally grow closer with those who are growing. I’m sure new, stronger friendships will naturally form because of it. Growth often causes you to lose something, but it is replaced with so much more!

Write your purpose.

Why did you want to pursue self-improvement in the first place? What does it mean to you to constantly grow? Why is it important to you? I encourage you to write it down and keep it. It will help you on those days when you’re feeling discouraged by the hurtful words of others.

You are doing the right thing by seeking growth in your life.

Prepare responses.

Think of what you might say in response to opposition. Think of ways you can influence and encourage your friends to make growth-inspiring choices rather than letting them negatively influence you. For example, if you’re trying to eat healthy and inspire healthy eating, where can you suggest your friends hang out instead of regularly going to the doughnut shop? Offering other ideas may also help you to see which friends are only situational friends–those kinds of friends who only want to hang out with you on their terms–and which friends care more about their relationship with you.

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What have you experienced with your friendships when you took your personal growth more seriously?