Today is my 1st book review on the blog! Woot! I am a HUGE believer in the power of reading (as long as you’re reading smartly!), so I’d like to start sharing more good finds with you and discuss some nuggets of wisdom I gleaned from reading the books myself (without giving away too much so that you’ll still go read it yourself).

Today’s book:

This post originally appeared on Anna’s 1st blog, Annamotion.

This post contains Amazon Associates links. I will make a small amount of money from anything purchased through the Amazon link; however, I truly recommend this book. I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

This summer I finally got around to reading The Five Love Languages (Singles Edition) by Gary Chapman. I had already heard so much about the “love languages” before reading the book, but it still benefited me to hear the author himself explain it in detail and provide helpful examples.

We all desire to love and be loved. Chapman even takes it so far as to say “life’s greatest happiness is found in good relationships, and life’s deepest hurt is found in bad relationships.” That’s why it is so critical for every single one of us to learn how to love others more effectively. This book thoroughly explains the concept of the “love languages.” We all can benefit from all of the languages; however, if our primary love language is not spoken, we can still feel empty of love. “If you don’t speak a person’s primary love language, that person will not feel loved, even though you may be speaking the other four. Once you are speaking his or her love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four, and they will be icing on the cake.”

So what are the 5 love languages?

1. Words of Affirmation

“Words of affirmation are simply true statements affirming the worth of another person.” And Gary Chapman believes this language comes in 4 different dialects:

Words of Encouragement

Encourage means “to inspire courage.” To encourage is to affirm a person’s capabilities, help them believe they can do something, or give them the courage to take a next step. That is what I hope to do here on TheReelAnna.com: inspire you with the courage you need to know your worth and take action.

Words of Appreciation

Words of appreciation is “expressing sincere gratitude for some acts of service rendered.” This is a big love language for my fiancé, Anthony. As an ISFJ, he loves helping people and he feels loved when someone shows appreciation for what he has done. It is recognizing what they did and speaking words of gratitude.

Words of Praise

Words of praise is “recognizing someone’s accomplishment.” This can come simply as a “good job!” or speaking words of admiration for their skills, talents, and accomplishments.

Kind Words

“This has to do not only with what we say but the manner in which we say it.” Usually the tone is even more powerful than the words themselves. Any note of sarcasm or resentment can completely twist the meaning of generally nice words. Speak gently. Be sincere. Have your tone match the words you speak. Always speak in love.

Words are important in loving everyone because of the power they hold. “What I say and the way I say it will influence the climate of my relationships.” All good relationships start with YOU.

Edit: If you need some practical tips on how to be an encourager to love someone with words of affirmation, check out this post.

2. Gifts

A person whose primary love language is gifts will feel loved when someone thinks of them and gives them a gift. Some important things to note about the love language of gifts:

• “A gift is given without strings attached, or it ceases to be a gift.” Rewards and gifts are two different things. We reward desirable actions or to thank for services rendered; however, we show love by giving gifts for no reason but to show love.
• “A gift is only a gift when given as a genuine expression of love, not as an effort to cover over past failures.” Even for someone who speaks the love language of gifts, forgiveness cannot be bought. Giving gifts should never be out of guilt or to make up for past mistakes; it must always be a choice of love.

3. Acts of Service

A person whose primary love language is acts of service will feel most loved when someone freely and cheerfully volunteers to do things for him/her. It is seeing a need and meeting the need. It is offering help. It is loving someone enough to give up your time, effort, and abilities to do something helpful for another person.

A quick side note: I used to think this was my fiancé, Anthony’s, primary love language because I had heard the statistic that Gary Chapman states about how 75% of adults speak the language they desire and 25% speak 1 language but wish to receive a different language. That is one of the best indicators of figuring out someone else’s love language: observe how they express love to others. Anthony must be in that 25% because, though he most freely expresses the love language of Acts of Service, his primary love language is actually Words of Affirmation. As I mentioned earlier, he feels most loved when he feels appreciated for his service. I’ve seen this to be common in quite a few men. So how do you know if their love language is the one they are speaking? Observe how they react to different methods of thanking them for their services (i.e. do they seem to respond best to words of affirmation? Receiving a thank you gift? Offering services in return?).

4. Quality Time

A person whose primary love language is quality time feels most loved when a person give him/her undivided time. This language can come in 3 different dialects:

Quality Conversation

This is different from Words of Affirmation because “affirming words focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses more on what we are hearing.” It is spending time in conversation, focusing on the person, listening, talking, asking questions.

Quality Listening

“They listen only long enough to get the topic of your conversation, and then proceed to tell you all the thoughts in their mind regarding that topic. Or, if you present them with a personal struggle, they will quickly move to give you an answer by telling you what you ought to do in that situation.” Have you ever met someone like this? DON’T BE THAT PERSON!  Here are a few of the tips Gary Chapman gives on how to be a better listener. Be sure to read the book to hear the rest and have them further explained.

• Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone.
• Don’t engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual.
• Observe body language.
• Refuse to interrupt.

Quality Activities

This is another thing I had to learn with Anthony. When I read that Quality Time had different dialects it suddenly made all of the sense! Quality Time is my primary love language and 1 of Anthony’s top love languages. However, when we first started dating we seemed to have misunderstandings about what “spending time together” meant. For me, I felt unsatisfied whenever we were busy or only watched a movie or only did some activity with no time to have meaningful conversations. But for Anthony, his love tank was full whenever he spent time doing activities with me and didn’t sense anything lacking if we had a time without deep conversation.

This miscommunication occurred because I am more fluent in the dialect of Quality Conversation and Listening, whereas Anthony is more fluent in the dialect of Quality Activities. Now we’re learning how to have a good balance and so now both of our love tanks are often full. 🙂 We both enjoy all of the dialects, however, if our primary one never gets met, we can still feel empty. But when are love tanks are full, we both can benefit from both of the dialects.

5. Physical Touch

A person whose primary love language is physical touch feels loved by a person when they are touched, such as a hug, shaking hands, a hand on a shoulder, or sitting close. This happens to be another one of my top love languages. I start to feel sad if I’ve gone too long without a hug. I’d go and hug everyone if I knew everyone liked hugs; when I first meet someone, I let them initiate it first if I can’t get a clear read of their body language. Some don’t feel loved by touches or, sadly, for some it can bring back painful memories because they are still in their journey of healing from abuse. Chapman spends some time talking about appropriate versus inappropriate touching, as well as discussing physical and sexual abuse.

My Rating

This is a must read for everyone! Whether you can get your hands on this singles edition or the original created for married couples, learning more in depth about your own love language, the love language of others, and how to effectively love friends, family, coworkers, significant others, etc. in each of their different primary love languages will change the dynamic of your relationships! My relationships improved greatly whenever I discovered their love languages and began implementing ways to show love in their language. And, as Gary Chapman says in his book, “love stimulates love.” When you begin to effectively speak the love language of someone else and their love language is filled, they most likely will begin to reciprocate that love. Loved people love people. We all have a desire within us to love and be loved.

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What’s your love language?

If you’ve found out before or think you might know from my brief descriptions, comment with your love language!

If you want to find out before reading the whole book, here’s a quiz you can take! Discover Your Love Language

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